So, after being *settled* for a few months, I decided to join OKCupid. I live with 5 single people and at first it was kind of a joke, but then secretly, for each of us, it wasn’t. When one of us would leave the house it was like,
“Are you going on a date?”
“No” (Looks down shamefully), “I mean, yes.”
We were all going out on dates, even if we pretended we had no intentions. On my first date, the guy told me I looked like Zooey Deschanel, which was, at first, sort of a compliment. It got strange when he talking to me like I was her, saying things like, “I really liked you in 500 days of Summer,” and, “New Girl is really funny!” Then he started interrogating me, “I can’t believe you are hanging out with that guy.” “That guy,” being M. Ward. Even after our date he continued to message me pictures of Ms. Deschanel with captions like, “You look really pretty here.” Then right before I blocked him, he wrote, “You know, usually when I fantasize about girls, I want to do naughty things to them, but with you, Zooey, I think we could go on a really nice picnic together.”
Let’s see. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the worst. There was the guy who asked me if I was still a virgin, then looked shocked when I said, “No.” His jaw dropped and he continued in a whisper, “How many times?” Counting on his hands, “Four, Five?” Then there was the one who tried to pick me up in a white van with no windows and a cage in the back “for his dogs.” There was the “good-bye ass grabber” and the guy who said, “I know I am missing the game, but at least this coffee was only two bucks.” I also liked the guy who mentioned at the end of the date that he was still married with two kids. He tried to entice me by saying, “You know if we got together, the only problem would be financial because I am still, sort of *tied down* you know? But, as long as you make it big yourself, we could start our own family.”
Needless to say, there haven’t been any second dates. But the OKCupid Inbox is pretty funny. Here is a cartoon I made from some of the stuff dudes have sent over. And, yup, most of these gems are quotes. Why do they make it so easy?