My Purse is a Black Hole

My purse is always a mess. No matter how many times I clean it, my purse continues to attract and accumulate the inexplicable. It’s like a black hole of weird, random crap. In the past, I have recovered a pile of poker chips, a rotten pear, a German man’s credit card, five pairs of sunglasses (at the same time), handcuffs, a small shell collection, a large pocket knife (not mine), a bra (okay, mine), a chewed piece of gum wrapped in a $5 bill, a mixed tape from 1998, and so many more knickknacks and oddities that I’m too embarrassed to admit.

Purse Black Hole
Here’s me cleaning out my purse on the side of the street after a forgotten can of coke exploded and ruined everything. Photo credit: my husband who thought it was hilarious.

After stumbling upon a Reddit thread which answers the question, “Women of Reddit, what is the most random thing you have in your purse right now?” I was comforted to know that there is a large and sordid crew of us amassing weird crap in the bottom of our giant purses. And, we have scads of bizarre and even logical reasons for doing so.

Best answers to the question, “What is the most random thing you have in your purse right now?”

“My purse is an accomplice.”

  • Toilet paper I stole from a party last night. I didn’t feel like going to the store.
  • A salt shaker I took from a restaurant last night. I was running low.
  • A table number my son shoplifted from a restaurant that I have to take back tomorrow.

“Okay, I have no idea how this got here”

  • Rabies vaccine tags for a dog. Don’t know whose dog. But someone’s dog is without their rabies tags.
  • A “Hello My Name Is…” sticker. Why? I have no idea.
  • The up arrow from an elevator. I have no idea how it got there.
  • A rock, covered in barnacles. No ocean, no idea.
  • A licensed plate for a motorcycle. I don’t own a motorcycle.

“But, I was hungry!”

  • One jalapeño, wrapped in Kleenex.
  • Like half an apple. It’s probably all brown now.
  • A spoon. I was eating peanut butter and left the house with it in my mouth THREE MONTHS AGO.
  • I found a receipt for 100 chicken nuggets with my credit card number. The nearest McDonald’s is 20 miles away and I don’t have a car.
  • I found spaghetti in my purse this morning. I have not a clue.
  • I just remembered I had a bratwurst in my purse! Thanks for reminding me it needs refrigeration.

“There is a logical explanation for this…”

  • A urinary catheter from work (I’m a nurse).
  • A finger puppet of Che Guevara. Found it when cleaning out my closet and forgot I stuck it in my purse.
  • A casing from a bullet. It was my Grandpa’s.
  • Three seashells and a rock. I picked them up on the beach over the summer, and they’ve been in there ever since. Edit: One seashell and a rock. The other two seashells have broken.
  • I have a dead sunflower plant in a pot. I was moving and forgot about it.
  • Gasoline in a small bottle. As a woman, I enjoy the smell.

What is the most random thing in your purse right now? Confess!

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