Emancipation

I’ve always loved the idea of being able to start over. This fascination perpetuated my love for travel, moving place to place, the possibility that I could reinvent, transform, start over, let go of any pain, memories, negativity that held me back. Of course, I learned over time that moving doesn’t equate with being someone... Continue Reading →

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Okayness

I just sent this text message: “This quarantine has me feeling okay, like everything is going to be okay, but also, like I’m not okay. But, actually, I’m okay.” Everyone I talk to seems to feel simultaneously in a state of peace and acceptance, and also emotionally overwhelmed, hitting a wall. There has been a... Continue Reading →

Seven Years of Settling

Almost exactly seven years ago, I bought a one-way ticket to Berlin because I didn’t know what to do with my life. It wasn’t the first time I decided to leave everything behind and start over. I mean, that was my thing, and I did it usually every few months or years. It was like... Continue Reading →

Waking An Imagined Life

Ever since I was a child, I wanted to be an actress. I still don’t know where this dream came from—if it was simply the romantic idea of stage and movies, or if it was actually deeper, but I remember putting on plays in our garage and in the backyard. I loved the idea of... Continue Reading →

Making Birth Visible

When the labor pains started, we jumped to a false start at the hospital. The triage nurse said, “Come back when you can’t walk.” I thought she was joking but what I know now is that, if you can walk, you’re not very far along, so, really you can just go on home. I live... Continue Reading →

Shape Shift of Motherhood

Life after giving birth is a lot like returning home from a long trip. Everything looks different. An old throw blanket might look like something you’ve never seen before. A vase catches the window light in an unfamiliar way. Everything looks too old or too new. Nothing quite fits and there is an unsettling feeling... Continue Reading →

A Separate Self

My driver’s license expired a few years ago and it took another year to get reinstated. By the time I got behind the wheel this summer, I hadn't driven a car since 2014. The experience felt a bit like time travel, throwing me back into all of the days I romanced the road. When I... Continue Reading →

Skin Deep

I remember the first time I began to notice my own appearances. I noticed that my skin was tan, and that my hair was brown, and that I was darker than my toehead siblings. And somehow, I knew that pretty girls were blonde and had blue eyes and worried that I was too dark to... Continue Reading →

Space on a Train

Berlin is a city of artists, both aspiring and actual, so it makes sense that I am confronted with street musicians daily. Depending on my mood and irritability, I can have a range of reactions, from a visceral irritation to a kind of reverent gratitude. If the music isn’t great or I’m in a bad... Continue Reading →

The Things We Cannot Handle

Alone in the bathtub, my hands burned when they hit the water, raw from scrubbing with alcohol from containers suspended along the hospital walls. I had pressed the thin metal bar, over and over, obsessive and Pavlovian, every time I entered or exited the room. I needed some security, some protection, some kind of relief... Continue Reading →

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